I was getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist and the hygenist (who knew I was a pastor) asked if I had any colleagues that were close friends.  She was concerned about my plaque and relational peace.  As I reflected on that question I realized how blessed I am with a handful of relationships that know me deeply.  It feels so good to be known and understood.  The kind of knowing that calls me on the bs and validates my concerns and growth.

So much of my spirituality and quest for relationship with God is focused on knowing Him.  But the test for relationship to God is the divine knowing YOU.  Those on the outside of a relationship with God through Jesus are the ones who have never invited the divine to know them.  (See Mt 7:21-23)  This is the path I want to walk.  My self-identity is defined by an invited invasion of God’s presence in my life rather than a god I attempt to categorize, explain, classify, and dumb down.  I want to be known deeply by Him and knowing Him will be a part of that overflow.

(For those interested.  I’m working on a project that explains this idea in larger way and makes it more practical.  I’ll be asking for 5 people to help.  Look for an announcement soon.)

I love the feeling of putting on my pj’s when I get home.  I don’t know how you roll but that’s typically the first thing I do.  It’s a symbol of the fact that one part of the day is over and another begins.  When I was changing today I began having an imaginative, confrontational argument in my mind with someone.  You know the kind.  Thankfully, I paused.  Stop.  Why am I having this conversation?

My mind immediately went to something I read recently about trusting power or forcefulness in our interpersonal exchanges to get what we want.  Of course it was talking about how this can be bad.  This learned behavior is damaging.  We fight a fire with a burnt match in our hand.  We allow the crisis so we can power up and be assured to get our way.

Whoa.  I said a prayer for humility.  I asked God to change my wiring.  I want to believe at the core of who I am that I don’t have to be a doormat but humility is a  better the best way.

Travel this path with me further.  What was really going on in this moment?  I was attentively present as opposed to skimming through.  I think one reason leadership books appealed to me over christian living in many instances were their spiritual depth.  Many leadership books began discussing awareness.  That’s what happened when I was changing clothes.  A moment of awareness.  Christians used to write a lot more about that topic.  The mystics referred to this as the constant of God’s presence.  One called it “practicing the presence of God”.  Oswald Chambers called it “at-one-ment”.  What ever you call it and what ever takes you there doesn’t matter to me. Stop. Pause.  Go there.  Ask the questions.  Too often and too easily I can skim through.  I give life a fake interested nod like my child when I’m not really listening.  Ouch.

What are you feeling?  Why are you feeling it?  What are you saying in your head to yourself or others?  Why are you saying it?  Is the fear motivating some of these actions informed or useless?  May you be attentively present.

I tend to be an extremist.  Sometimes in practice and sometimes in my mind.  I like playing with the edges of ideas to find true center in the tension.  One example of that has been how I approach sharing my faith, telling others about Jesus, testifying or whatever else you call it.

On one extreme, I’ve gone door-to-door, stood on tables, and “bullhorned” some tracks.  On the other hand, I’ve moved through too many moments with no sensitivity to the at-one-ment God is up to in the lives of others.  I’ve struggled with condemnation, guilt, and conviction.  (And those are different.)

I read this quote by Oswald Chambers in Baffled to Fight Better I had to share:

“The pseudo-evangelical line is that you must be on the watch all the time and lose no opportunity of speaking to people, and this attitude is apt to produce the superior person.  It may be a noble enough point of view, but it produces the wrong kind of character.  It does not produce a disciple of Jesus, but too often the kind of person who smells of gunpowder and people are afraid of meeting him.  According to Jesus Christ, what we have to do is to watch the Source and He will look after the outflow…”

On one hand, we don’t remain silent.  Oswald isn’t saying that.  On the other hand, it is not our responsibility to bear fruit or catch fish.  We watch the Source.  We abide.  And out of that overflow we share.  I don’t ever want to hear another sermon on how I should bear fruit.  It ain’t the gospel.  I abide and the fruits come, in His time and at His direction.  I may reach 5000, 500, 50, or 5.  The number isn’t important.  Focusing on the Source defines me.