It peels off my skin.

I’ve taught more than a few messages about being authentic and mask removal. I’ve challenged myself and others to drop the pose, stop hiding, and bring “you” to the table. But in all that teaching I’ve failed to acknowledge one critical aspect: Mask removal is painful. Sure, the long-term effect is liberating and joyful. But the immediate price is pain. The mask isn’t just something we wear. It’s fused with the first layer of the epidermis of our soul.

Recently, I was faced with a choice to honor my family or do what would make me feel in control (an illusion). I wanted to honor my family but I also wanted to avoid the fear this choice would bring. I made the choice for honor and faced the fear. I released the worry. A false part of me died so a true part could live.

I peeled off a mask. A mask that I wear that says to the world: Good things have to happen to Chris because he gives 110%. That drive masks the fear that if Chris doesn’t push hard at all times he will suffer. By peeling off the mask I was able to stop focus on my “doing” and learn a lesson about my “being” or identity. Rather than picturing adverse circumstances in the future I “saw” myself in the future as radically loved by God regardless of my circumstances.

When I view my future through the lens of identity first, then I can relax about the performance or circumstances of the future. Like the last post, paradoxically, my performance can be better in the future because I’m free of fear to face reality and think with clarity. But that’s not the point. Mentally, seperate your doing and being by being aware of what is driving your behavior. Mask removal may sting but the more you can call out the the false self and shoot it, the more the true self can live.

Thoughts?

I face a constant temptation. I desperately want to find my meaning/identity in being great at what I do.

Here’s a common scenario after teaching (especially on a Sunday morning): I want answers to certain questions so I ask, “How was the flow?” “Did my definitions make sense?” “Was it impacting and clear?” I could ask questions for 30 minutes non-stop. This is good. I’m growing as a communicator. I’m getting better and I learn to ask better questions.

What’s harmful is the motivation for needing answers. I can pursue those answers so I can say, “Ahhh. I am worthy. I am a good communicator therefore I am a good person worthy of love.” The power and transformation comes when I say, “Regardless of my communication efforts today I am loved and celebrated by God.” Then I pursue the answers to those questions from a place of security. My identity is whole apart from what I do.

Paradoxically, in the long run my “doing” as a communicator will be much better. But that can’t be the motivation.

What’s the motivation for your pursuit of greatness? I want to be the best presenter/speaker/communicator/teacher I can be. But my identity or sense-of-self isn’t dependent on it. Thoughts? Share away?

I had taken my then 3 year old middle daughter to Chick-fil-A for her birthday. I was really enjoying my time with her and had one of those moments when lightning seems to strike your awareness. You know the kind. You’re learning something about yourself in one area of your life and unexpectedly that lesson interrupts your consciousness and that lesson now has great application for your present moment.

I had been challenged by someone to look at my circumstances not as an opportunity to be a hero but to serve. The issue he was challenging was really about validation. What was my motive to serve? Was it about what I could get out of the moment or give? (Remember the red/white circles?) Now, in all of our interpersonal moments there is give and take or a being poured out and being poured into but this was different.

I found myself sitting there with her and suddenly became aware of these thoughts going through my brain: “Isn’t your daddy awesome to take time to spend with you like this? Aren’t you having a great time with me? Aren’t you so happy and thus you’ll become a perfectly self-directed adult because of my meaningful involvement in your life?” I think you get the picture. Suddenly becoming aware of those thoughts and motivation to be her hero freed me. It freed me to make the focus of the moment her and not me. My identity was renewed apart from what my daughter could or could not give me in that moment and now I could get to work on the mission of nurturing and supporting her.

Why do you do what you do?

Building on the last post that it all flows from identity, let’s dig deeper.

If you’re breathing you’re leading or influencing someone. Kids, coworkers, family members, friends. You may consider yourself a follower but somehow, someway, someone is watching. Here’s the scary part. If your leadership, marriage, or employee relationships are needed in your life for you to have a completeness, wholeness, or secure identity then you will manipulate.

This is the dark side of interpersonal relationships. We don’t like to think or talk about this but it’s so true. There are times I need my children to have a certain response of obedience, thankfulness, etc. Why?  So I can feel good about myself as a parent. The danger is that the moment I build my identity on their response to me I am manipulating them. Contrast this with a security in Jesus. When you know you’re affirmed and validated as loved child of God, then you can lead. When I can experience myself in relationships with others with out being dependent on their response to me, then I can lead and not manipulate.

When I am secure in God’s love, I can say things to my children like, “If you soccer coach tells you something different than daddy about kicking listen to him. He knows more.” Or more importantly, “Daddy loves you with his whole heart. But his love will never be perfect and will let you down sometimes. Your heavenly Daddy will always love you perfectly. He loves you more than I do.”

Don’t even get me started on how this applies to pastoring

Thoughts?

Everything you have and do flows out of your being. Your being or your identity is the foundation of your life. It defines how you experience God, yourself, and others. You choose where your find your identity or reason for existence. Once you’ve consciously or unconsciously made that choice, everything will flow out of that. Your mission, purpose, relationships, parenting, financial decisions etc. Everything.

You can find your identity in something you have (possessions, talents, skills, relationships, wealth,etc) or something you do (career, volunteerism, service at your church, caring for someone). But if you lose what you’re buidling your idenity on, then what? Enter the internal crisis. Here comes the questions, disturbances, and unfamilar emotions.

If you build who you are on anything you can have or do you’re set up for this experience. You will learn the hard way not to put your identity in anything that can be gained or lost. (I have.)

Can you choose to build your identity on something that can’t be lost or gained? Yes. You rely on God’s love. It’s the only thing that can’t be gained or lost. It’s there. Always. You are loved. Even when you didn’t get that promotion. There is no humiliation for those already humble. Grieve the loss. Go on. It doesn’t define you.

A relational loss? The grieving may last a lifetime. You may feel a part of you is gone forever. Well, at least until eternity comes. In the meantime you can find an existence, a reason for being, that is connected to you and your relationship to God.

Next time you experience success and think, “Is this what I worked so hard for?” or through some loss find yourself feeling anxious then you’ve found a clue. What identity were you building? God wants to restore your identity to be in Him.

Thoughts?