I’m cheating right now. I’m cheating the church I pastor. (I wrote this last week so I could cheat with all my heart.) And it’s good for them and good for me. It’s good for them because I’m responsible to manage my heart so I can lead them from an overflow. It’s good for me because leading my self and my heart is foundational to who I am.

Near the end of last week I hit a wall. As we’ve been preparing for our launch (on top of doctorate work and facilitating a gathering for pastors on peak performance) I am fried. Admittedly I shouldn’t have come this close to the red line but alas, I have.

Here’s what I know:

• My kids don’t give a flip about all the things in my world and that’s ok. At 7,6, and 4 they need me giving them my best.
• My wife deserves a husband who can be sensitive and comforting, not one easily irritated.
• When I’m in the red line the grumpy factor settles in and playfulness goes away.
• I get stressed by the chaos too quickly and lose clarity.
• Spiritually I start to over question/analyze things.

I’m not breaking any new ground here. This post is influenced by Choosing to Cheat (Click for my Amazon link to order the book)

Need to cheat?

For me, chaos has surfaced my inefficiencies more than anything else.

We did a bad, I mean really bad, financial deal that still complicates our lives. Lesson being learned, over and over again. It’s got a bunch of dangling loose ends that have the possibility of stressing me out. I could list lots of other examples of current chaos (the launch of the church, etc.) The one example that hits home more than any other is…home.

I am learning about my threshold for chaos as our children get older. We’re blessed with three amazing daughters but I saw a tendency within myself to power up when things got out of control or attempt to eradicate the chaos. “No loose ends” seemed to be the mantra. Why don’t we like chaos?

• It shows us our insufficiency, weakness, and lack of resources to fix everything.
• It reminds us of our lack of control and vulnerability.
• It requires an ability to navigate tension. It causes us to need empowerment and live in the moment. We want clear black/white lines. We want to be emotional or analytical. Chaos calls for us to live in both extremes and navigate both on a moment by moment basis.

What’s a better path? Embrace the chaos.

• Leading, living, and learning in chaos will grow your dependency on God as it keeps you humble with what you can’t do in your own power.
• It allows you to be accepting of yourself when you don’t have all the answers or “your act together”. In turn, you will be much more gracious and accepting of others.
• Rather than powering up you will be enter into the present moment with clarity, openness, excitement, and peace. In other words you won’t push people, including your family, away.